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Trial By Fury
Rerun's List:
10 Thing That Will Make You Look Like A Complete Moron
By: Rerun
1. Smoking: Look, if you want to give yourself cancer by sucking on a fart your whole life, it's your ass, but I don't want to breathe your second-hand shit. Get the fuck away from my building. I can smell your long-term suicide when I'm trying to sleep and it makes me want to puke. Drown yourself in a river or something; at least then I wouldn't have to breathe unpleasant aroma of your impending death.
2. Drinking: Having a drink or two is fine. But when you get to the point where your entire life revolves solely around when and where you will get your next inebriating imbibement, you are what medicine calls an "alcoholic," and you fail to be cool. Sober up, you drunken piece of shit. And keep your mouth shut. Don't make me buy an Uzi because your intoxicated ass feels it necessary to scream at the parking lot lines at 3am- they're expensive and the ammo is really hard to come by in this state.
3. Drugs: Don't even get me started. Nevermind, I'll get myself started on this one: have you not a fucking brain in your head? I mean, surely there was something occupying that empty space atop your neck before you vaporized it with haze and heroin. Congratulations, you truly are a worthless piece of shit. And to the potheads: fuck off. You're not even funny anymore.
4. SUVs: Weak. Like your penis (or lack thereof). What would possess you to purchase such a monstrosity? Surely it's not their remarkable efficiency or superb environmental friendliness. The false sense of security, perhaps? I've seen SUVs roll. I've been in one that nearly flipped. Yet, try as I might, I can never seem to flip coupes. Why, you ask? Because a coupe isn't a poor design for a machine that is traveling at speeds in excess of 70 miles per hour. Expecting an SUV to take advantage of physics is like tossing a brick into a pond and expecting it to lightly skim across the top.
5. Failure to "Talk Good": I don't care who think you are, where you're from, or who your audience is: speak and write properly. This includes proper grammar, spelling, and punctuation. Take President Bush, for example: smart man (I think), the President of the world's most powerful nation, and multi-millionaire oil tycoon, yet he can't even pronounce "nuclear"? And what's with this whole "cultural" accent people have now? It seems that the lower classes of every race (including white trash, especially) intentionally fuck up their speech so as not to be associated with "The Man" and Middle America. Who fucking cares? Don't make yourself look like a complete turd.
6. Believing Everything You're Told: The GOP. Liberals. Michael Moore. Loose Change. The Media. Moronic Celebrities. Etc.: They're all lying to you and have no idea what they're talking about anyway. Republicans are ignorant assholes. Democrats are cocky morons. Michael Moore is a fat slob who needs to shut his fucking mouth (it's hard for me to give a fuck about your opinion on American consumerism when you, yourself weigh three times what you should). Loose Change is the biggest load of shit ever to come flying out of some acne-ridden teenage nerd who thinks he knows everything since that little prick decided he'd go to Iraq to report for his school newspaper. The Media picks and chooses their facts and masks their fallacies with the fact that they're on television (which, in the mind of most Americans apparently means that they're even more infallible than the pope). And celebrities: shut your damn mouth. No one cares who you support in the elections. You don't even know what you're talking about. You can act in a movie, but you can't act intelligent. Don't speak what you don't know.
7. Being Fat: Despite what diet pill and weight-loss companies, it IS your fault that you're a fat slob. Get your lard ass off the couch in front of the TV and get outside and run a few miles. It'll do you and society some good, you tubby bitch.
8. Driving Like a Moron: I'm all for high speeds and spirited driving, but I know when it's appropriate. If you drive fast and corner hard because that's your style, cool. But know your car's limit; don't put someone else in danger. If you drive wrecklessly to be funny or to show off, you're a douchebag. I hope your socks explode tomorrow at noon.
9. Conforming: First things first: emo is the biggest crock of shit since O.J. was acquitted. No one cares how "emo" you are or what you think you've suffered through. Quit whining and grow some balls, wimp. Second: Abercrombie, Hollister, and Hot Topic are all owned by the same company. So, despite what you think, you're promoting that shit. Why does everyone have to dress the same? Why are we so heavily judged by the clothes we wear? Whatever happened to individuality? And since when is being a "nonconformist" suddenly so trendy? Doesn't that negate the meaning of nonconformity? Cripe, you people are being bought and sold so fast it's almost funny.
10. Judging: We're judged by so many superficial factors these days- the clothes we wear, the haircuts we sport, the cars we drive, the tattoos on our skin (and the color thereof), the music we listen to, the part of town we're from, the god we pray to- do personality and character even matter anymore? I'd like to think yes, but society tells me no. Whatever happened to not giving a fuck? This world is so fucking superficial. We should all be ashamed.